neu·ro·sis [noo-roh-sis, nyoo-]
1.Also called psychoneurosis. a functional disorder in which feelings of anxiety, obsessional thoughts, compulsive acts, and physical complaints without objective evidence of disease, in various degrees and patterns, dominate the personality.
2.a relatively mild personality disorder typified by excessive anxiety or indecision and a degree of social or interpersonal maladjustment.
Oh dear. Neurotic is no longer a scientific term that is used to diagnose people with obsessive fears and anxiety? Since when? I have come this close to figuring out why my brain works in a certain way and you take that away from me? Now I have to obsess about finding a different defining term just so I can sleep. Why do I have to define anything? Why cant I just roll with life and let things happen? I dont have to be in the drivers seat all the time...or do I?
I have explained to people that in order for me to get things done I have to have many things on the go. I have this website, another website, three professions that are completely unrelated and now I am craving something new to learn. Why? Is it my neurosis speaking to me telling me that if I dont work then I will forget what I learned if I dont put it to good use? I doubt it but thats a good explanation as to why I cant just sit still and do nothing. Today is my day off and I had a dozen things planned. One got cancelled but that means I can reroute my plans and work extra hard on something else. I came into the library hoping to have a quiet session of reading and working on a few things (outside of work if you can believe that) and I came across a book titled 'The Happy Neurotic' I chuckled to myself as I passed it over and as I was looking for a book that would relate to the project I am working on at the moment, my mind kept going back to the Happy Neurotic. I spent nearly 20 minutes looking for the book that I was SO SURE WAS JUST ON THE SECOND SHELF RIGHT IN THE MIDDLE....oh forget it. I am obsessing over a book that gave me a chuckle and now I am angry because I dont see it. There is 20 minutes well spent. So I went back to looking for other books and there it was! Sitting in plain sight. A white book with blue text. I was looking for a blue book with white text. OH MY! Must I have dyslexia too? I saw that book completely opposite than I had originally thought. (just roll with it....) As I type this I am looking at the book eagerly waiting my quiet time on the third floor so I can find out what chapter I am in.
Lately I find myself irritated at even the tiniest things. It could be that I am burning out from all the work I do and the frustration of barely making ends meet. I have eliminated all the non-essentials in my life so the ends that are trying to meet are not polar opposites, and I dont have to rob Peter to pay Paul. (Pete K., if you are reading this I would rob your toilet paper collection only for the exhilaration of watching you chase me down the road....then I would give it all back....haha) Today I was irritated with the smell of my neighbour's cooking, the traffic, the dirty crowded, cigarette smoke filled sidewalk, crowded bus and the crabby bus driver that kept telling me to move to the back. I was irritated with the fact that alot of people have poor hygiene skills, and lastly I was irritated when I tried to get off the bus the driver told me to get out of the way of people boarding. One woman on the street was kind enough to ask me if I was trying to exit and I said yes, she waited for me and I thanked her. Would I have been bothered by this a month ago? Not likely but today I was not beyond using my stealth like ninja skills on some unsuspecting, unbathed person just because I need to lash out at someone. What would Freud do?
(for those of you that said "He would do a line" yes, that was my thought as well...haha)
Had a late breakfast with a friend (who's company I really enjoy) and the more I talked about me that was not part of my facade, the more I thought that she must really think I need therapy. I am positive that was not the case but that's how my mind works....DAM YOU NEUROTIC TENDENCY! errr...wait....neurotic is no longer used as a scientific term. DAM YOU WIKIPEDIA! I am glad we met up this morning because, as usual, there are some laughs that I wouldnt normally have and it feels good to talk about non-work related things. I realized a long time ago that having unbridled conversation is good for the soul. Being in control or supporting someone all the time is exhausting and is equally exhausting, if not diminishing when someone is overpowering me in conversation. Talking about work adds to my burnout rate So thanks for that (I will never feel comfortable waving a towel in public but if I do no one will care if I laugh out loud to myself)
On a rather delightful note, on my way to the library a man, who looked rather daunting with his curmudgeon face, stopped me and said it was going to snow tonight. I was abrupt and told him he was wrong. He agreed with me and as I was still trying to walk away I couldnt help but look back at him. He was stopped in the middle of the sidewalk watching me and I asked him if he had faith in our spring. He said "I have faith in our spring and I have faith in you" WOW! If that isnt enough to remove the irritants I dont know what is. Did I meet with my Angel today?
I will explain later what this blog has to do with art when I get home to my own computer. There is a meaning behind all this, Im sure.
Have a wonderful, event filled day!
~love and light~
Shady